Monday, November 22, 2010

Struck down, but not destroyed

It's raining outside. Which is so nice because I'm inside and comfy, about to go to bed.

Winter is making itself known. I love the leaves changing colors and falling. These are outside my door:
 I love poinsettas, the "christmas flower" I've seen in two places.

It's still pretty fall/wintery in my soul. Today was an emotional rollercoaster. I started the day off sooo optimistic. Running, washing clothes, making yogurt: being efficient. I started seeing how important this time of waiting/unemployment has been for me. I was thinking it would be over today or in the next couple of days.

A psychologist friend from last year called me. Definitely a high point in my day. I missed talking to him and felt bad for not visiting the school I was at last year. I'm scared/embarrassed to go back, especially not having a temporary job to tell people about. Is this a pride issue? I guess. I should find the guts and go back this week. The worst thing about leaving places/jobs are the people, especially really great people like him. The conclusion he drew from our conversation was, "You really are crazy...". Coming from a psychologist, I'm afraid that's a diagnosis. :/

I went to an interview at a grocery store, totally convinced I would get the job (since it is so beneath me, I thought) and planning how I would ask for one or two days to think about it before saying yes. Well, much to my surprise there were A LOT of people that wanted that job. And being overqualified WASN'T to my advantage, it basically is what didn't get me the job.

Some high points in our conversation:

Interviewing lady: "And why, with almost a masters, are you applying for this job?"
Me: Long explanation, explaining my whole life story.
Interviewer: "This job is too tough, you would quit after two days."
Me: Trying to convince her I was prepared to accept whatever, saying "teaching is psychologically tough too!"
Interviewer: "It's not just putting things on shelves, it's loading and unloading heavy things. It's physically tough."
Me: "I'm physically capable."
Interviewer, sarcastically: "What... do you like go to the gym?"

Ah. Back to winter and waiting and things not going my way. I hadn't realized how much I was counting on that job until I didn't get it.

St. Paul says we should be happy about having trials and hardship because they produce constancy. I am thankful I'm not depressed, even though I've been going up and down getting discouraged and sad every other day. I rationally still know God is doing great things for me, even though I can't stop focusing on the bad things. I'm still not happy this hardship is happening though. When it's over I'll tell you about what I learned. As for now I'm feeling afflicted, perplexed, persecuted and struck down... but hope still remains.

"We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed..." 2 Cor 4,8-9

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