How to survive without a maid AKA my dream of forced child labor (em português também)

My friend Rute asked me how I survive without a maid and I thought it would be a perfect blog post in case it is useful to anyone else. 

I don't mean this as advice. This is how I organize the house and food NOW. It is constantly changing. I am always reorganizing, having new ideas and having new needs. 

Just to be clear, I have a cleaning lady once a week and I would rather starve than do without that weekly cleaning (although I did clean the house before my third child was born... I'm not sure how). And I have lots of good babysitting contacts, if you need one let me know. I don't have an everyday maid, like some people have, but I also don't think I would like one because I'm a bit shy and value my privacy. Oh, and of course it's expensive. But I have nothing against people who do, of course. 

Habits for adults, habits for kids

Kids learn by example, so look at your own sleep/eat/self-discipline habits before criticizing your kids. But I do love what Charlotte Mason has to say about habits. You just help them do it everyday until it's routine. Natural. No rewards, no punishment, no nagging, no emotion. So I help my oldest three (ages 7, 4, 3) get dressed first, make their beds second, have breakfast then brush their teeth third. You have to sit on the floor, take some time, pass them their clothes, pick them up and take them to the bathroom and brush their teeth for them sometimes. Somedays they surprise you and are dressed by themselves and other days you have to say "get dressed fiiiiiirst, then play". After dinner, the same. If I have to physically take them to the bathroom one at a time to brush their teeth, go potty and put on pjs, I will. Sometimes it happens magically. I have these magnetic chore charts to drill it in (and I do hope setting the table, clearing dishes etc are in the near future for chores for them), but I stay away from rewards and punishments, external motivation. We want internal motivation here.  

The weekly plan, the daily plan

Inspired by The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, every Sunday I write down appointments, birthdays or things that deviate from the normal schedule and post it on the fridge. That's the one at he bottom. I had a weekly schedule with a daily routine (the orange one), but I have since taken it down because it has changed so much. I can tell you about my *new* daily plan in another post, if you're interested.

Food 

I also have a weekly plan of what I am going to make in terms of food (I cook once a day) and I have found it easier (mentally) to alternate like this: rice, potatoes, pasta, rice, potatoes, pasta and pizza on Sunday. And a grocery list. I do online shopping only. For everything. 

I have a "master meal plan", an Auntie Leila idea, with all the recipes I make on it, which makes it easier to look at and pick for the week. 

Laundry

The thing that has most revolutionized my life lately is the drier we got in January. I had been dreaming about it for over a year. I put stickers on it and make the older two kids wash their clothes. I got the idea from Blythe Fike here. Mondays Davy gets the hamper from his room (which has all the boys' clothes except for delicates) and with a detergent capsule washes it in the washing machine. Transfers it to the drier. Is supposed to take it to his room and put it away (I usually have to do that). Adelaide has another day for girls' clothes. Daddy is supposed to do our clothes on Saturdays. I take care of delicates, sheets and towels. Revolutionary. 

Also, one day I have a dream of a rotating cooking schedule. I have five kids so I have Monday-Friday taken care of. :D :D :D

Toys

It is mainly just me cleaning up their toys and yelling at them a lot to help me. I say, pick one thing and clean it up! Don't let me do it by myself! It's frustrating. If you have ideas, let me know. I think it's important for them to have toys. I try keep them to a minimum. I like to have them organized. Mainly I have to do it, but I try to keep up with it because of my mental sanity, which is better if the house is organized. 

I have a few "thoughts on motherhood and homemaking" posts up my sleeve like this. But before I post them, do you have any specific questions? 

************************** em português *****************************

A minha amiga Rute perguntou-me como sobrevivo sem empregada e pensei que seria um blog psot perfeito, caso fosse útil a outros. 

Não quero que isto seja conselhos. Isto é como organizo a casa e a comida neste momento. Está constantemente em mudança. Estou sempre a reorganizar, a ter ideias novas e necessidades novas. 

Tenho uma pessoa que limpa a casa uma vez por semana e preferia morrer à fome do que passar sem essa limpeza (embora tenha feito as limpezas antes do meu terceiro filho nascer... nem sei como!). E também tenho muitos contactos otimos de babysitters, caso precisarem digam. Não tenho uma empregada diária, como algumas pessoas têm, mas também acho que não iria gostar pois sou um pouco tímida e valorizo a minha privacidade em casa. E claro, é caro. Mas nada contra as pessoas que têm! 

Habitos para adultos, habitos para crianças

As crianças aprendem por exemplo, por isso olha para os teus hábitos de sono/comer/auto-disciplina antes de criticar os teus filhos. Mas gosto do que diz a Charlotte Mason sobre hábitos. Tens que os ajudar a fazê-lo todos dias até se tornar rotina. Natural. Sem recompensas, sem castigos, sem ralhar, sem emoção. Eu ajudo os meus três mais velhos (idades 7, 4, 3) a vestirem-se primeiro, a fazerem as camas segundo, a tomarem pequeno almoço e escovarem os dentes em terceiro. Tens que te sentar no chão, tirar algum tempo, passar-lhes a roupa, por vezes levar-lhes à casa de banho e escovar-lhes os dentes. Uns dias eles surpreendem-te e estão vestidos sozinhos e outros dias tens que dizer "veeeeeste-te primeeeeeeiro e depois brinca". Depois do jantar, igual. Se tenho que os levar fisicamente à casa de banho um de cada vez a escovar os dentes, usar a sanita e vestir o pijama, faço-o. Por vezes acontece magicamente. Tenho estes quadros magneticos de tarefas para reforçar (e de futuro espero que façam outras tarefas como pôr a mesa, tirar pratos etc), mas evito recompensas e castigos, que são motivação extrinseca. Queremos a intrinseca. 

O plano semanal, o plano diário

Inspirada nos 7 Hábitos de Pessoas Eficazes, escrevo aos Domingos maraçãoes, aniversários ou coisas que estão para além do horário normal e colo no frigorífico. É a folha em baio. Tinha um horário semanal com um horário diário (o laranja), mas já não uso pois já mudou tanto. Posso contar-te do meu *novo* plano diário noutro post, se tiveres interessado. 

Comida

Também tenho um plano semanal do que vou fazer em termos de comida (cozinho uma vez por dia) e acho mais fácil (mentalmente) para alternar assim: arroz, batatas, massa, arroz, batatas, massa e pizza ao Domingo. E tenho uma lista de compras (no frigorífico). Só faço compras online. Para tudo. 

Tenho uma lista impressa com todas as receitas que faço (ideia de Auntie Leila) sdf

Lavar roupa

A coisa que mais revolucionou a minha vida ultimamente é a máquina de secar desde Janeiro. Já sonhava com ela há mais que um ano. Pus autocolantes nos botões e os dois mais velhos lavam a roupa das crianças. Tirei esta ideia da Blythe Fike aqui. Às segundas o David tira o cesto de roupa do seu quarto (que tem a roupa toda dos meninos menos os delicados) e lava na máquina com uma cápsula. Depois transfere para a máquina de secar. Depois a ideia é levar para o seu quarto e arrumar, mas geralmente tenho que fazer isso. A Adelaide tem outro dia para a roupa das meninas. O pai devia de lavar a nossa roupa aos sábados. Eu trato dos delicados, lençois e toalhas. Revolucionário. 

Também, um dia tenho um sonho de um horário rotativo de cozinha. Tenho cinco filhos por isso tenho segunda-sexta tratados. :D :D :D

Brinquedos

Geralmente sou só eu a arrumar os brinquedos deles e a gritar com eles para me ajudarem. Digo, escolhe uma coisa e arruma! Não me deixes arrumar sozinha! É frustrante. Se tiverem ideias, digam-me. Acho que é importante para eles terem brinquedos. Tento minimizá-los. Gosto de os ter organizados. Geralmente sou eu que o tenho que fazer, mas tento mantê-lo por cusa da minha sanidade mental, que fica melhor se a casa estiver arrumada. 

...Tenho algumas ideias soltas sobre maternidade e a gestão da casa para escrever aqui neste blog. Mas antes de as postar, tens perguntas especificas?

How to ride a bike without training wheels

A couple of weeks ago, Davy learned how to ride without training wheels. Today, he learned to to start by himself without a push! 

This was all made possible by a friend who shared a youtube video that helped her with her son. I'm linking to it here because it was so important for us:

https://youtu.be/mOlQg5THqhE

This is what I love about meeting with friends and moms meeting with moms with kids. I learn so much from others. I cannot be locked at home without friendship for me and for my kids. Moms (and dads!), but especially moms at home with small children, needs lots of support and community. 

Article

A new article up! 

Euthanasia Circles Back to Mothers

Intuitions

Magical milk and water color ice courtesy The Homegrown Preschooler

I have no idea what I'm doing. What pains me is that I find there are other people that seem to know what they're doing. I keep taking one step at a time, sometimes glimpsing what a wonderful, indescribable thing we have going, other times unable to get out of the depths of despair of thinking I've already messed it all up and keep messing it up more and more. 

But I follow what are intuitions, these deep, visceral intuitions that I don't even like sharing with a lot of people… I prefer to do it and they'll see… which are somewhat confirmed by prayer. 

One was when my first child was born that I wouldn't be able to put her in daycare or leave her with my in-laws. I wanted to be with her. I continue to feel that way, about her and about her little brothers too. That feeling seems to grow, but again, I have no idea why! 

Another is when we went to see Christopher West speak in Fatima a couple weeks before we were married. He looked us in a prophetic way and said "Be fruitful and multiply". So that seems to be happening. But again, we didn't really plan for it. It's all kind of new. 

Another is a quote by Saint Catherine of Siena that if we could see a soul in mortal sin we would die. The priest I heard quote this said that the reverse side of the coin is also true, if we could see a soul in a state of grace we would be in awe. 
So I see that the most important is to keep close to Jesus in that way, make sacraments and prayer a priority. If me and my family have souls in a state of grace, what else matters? 

Of course, I don't think God speaks to us just in dreams and intuitions, but also in reality, events and what is possible .

I just don't have a plan. 

Graced and Gifted: Biblical Wisdom for the Homemaker's Heart by Kimberly Hahn quotes

I’m thinking answers to my prayers, dreams and general queries come an average of two years later. I remember three years ago when I first “became” a stay-at-home mom I was so panicked with how to organize my time. I remember talking to my spiritual director about it and him not really understanding my angst. So it’s good to have books like this one that suggest more practical, but still prayerful, approaches to organizing your time and your house. I didn’t like all the parts of the book or find them all useful, but it’s worth four stars even if just for the first part of the book about priorities. I loved the use of the “p”s for organizing your priorities and am constantly thinking about how I should be exercising instead of cleaning/taking kids of kids/etc.

My favorite quotes:

“We can learn a lot from other families, provided we avoid comparisons that make us feel like failures. Perhaps we can incorporate one new idea into our family life or try one new recipe for a meatless Friday meal. When we share ideas and recipes with other families, we need to remember that we do not have to do everything, and we do not want to overwhelm anyone else. We thank God for the grace to do what we can.” (pg 41)

“He compared sleep to a little death in which we lose consciousness as we relinquish our control, and rising the next day to a little resurrection. Our prayer time reminds us of who God is, who we are and why we are doing what we are doing.” (pg 66)

“Time for prayer is like scuba diving in the midst of a storm; it is peaceful below the storm, if we go deep enough… When things are very difficult, we recall all that te Lord has already done for us and that he oes not change even though our circumstances do.” (pg 67)

“I remind myself daily, There is all the time I need today to do God’s will today. Prayer is an essential part of that reminder.” (pg 70)

“In his bok Appointment With God, Father Michael Scanlan mentions including at least five minutes of silence to listen to God, noting any inspirations that come as additional tasks for the day (for example, speak to this person, write this thank-you note, offer a meal to this family).” (pg 70)

“A helpful word picture is a train: The engine represents the facts about God, who I am in Christ and what is this vocation to which I am called; the cargo car represents my faith connected to the facts (the engine can run with or without my faith); and the caboose represents my feelings – nice but unnecessary. Our feelings of sadness, unresolved relational difficulties, frustration and depression can derail the train.” (pg 72)

“We are sabbatarian creatures; we cannot work all seven days a week and still be healthy people.” (pg 85)

“Not only do you give this day to the Lord, but he gives it back to you as a day of relaxation with family and friends.” (pg 86)

“Just as Friday is the day of preparation for the Jews’ Sabbath, Saturday is our day of preparation for the Lord’s Day. We think about and prepare for our Sunday meal, so that we do not have to purchase groceries on Sunday and make store employees work.” (pg 87)

“We discover that uncluttered thinking results from uncluttered time and space.” (pg 88)

“We know that each day is still going according to plan; it’s just not necessarily our plan.” (pg 92)

“Each task becomes a response to the Lord. He is the one asking me to cook dinner, do laundy, find a Band-Aid, pick up a tearful baby, sweep up the crumbs. Moving away from self-pity (‘No one notices all I am doing. I am merely the unpaid maid of the house!’) and toward imitating Christ’s selfless love, we recall for whom we do each task. A the Franciscan University rugby team proclaims, ‘We play for an audience of One!’ So do we.” (pg 108)

“More than function, beauty in our homes ministers to our souls.” (pg 117)

“One day she declared that the sanest people in the world were farmers and fishermen. She believed they did not lose touch with reality because they never lost touch with the stuff of creation.” (pg 148)

“And the key to having deep roots, according to the psalmist, is delighting in God’s Word, reading it and meditating on it.”

“Sometimes we do not notice how much we rely on our natural virtue and talents to do things for God. However, if we are not abiding in Christ, our efforts fall flat.” (pg 157)

“At the end of Mass, I often prayed with our children that God would reveal to them their mission in life.” (pg 173)

“To live by grace means that we admit how weak we are and how much we need his strength so that we can do these good works.” (pg 199)

Necessity is the mother of invention

Taking care of their babies

The first days we were on our own without my husband I was a mess and crying every five minutes. But now I feel like we've been at it for a year. I no longer value sleep as much as I value getting showered and dressed before they get up in the morning. It's sheer survival. I now understand a post I read on lovetaza.com a long time ago when she only had two kids and wrote "dear mother of three at the park, how do you have your hair done?" I am much more productive as a mother of three than I was as a mother of two. And I need to be put together more too. I enlisted my husband's help to go buy some clothes and lipstick as an emergency outing. This is not because I am thriving... no, no we are barely surviving. I am like a refugee mother who wonders if her kids will have food to eat that day. But things do get easier... just a tiny bit each day.

Food for thought for stay-at-home-moms

"When Deirdre and John were here this weekend and telling us about Paris, I was remembering times I spent in Europe, back when mothers went to the market for the day’s food, carrying a straw bag and bringing home enough for the meals and a little more. My aunt actually married a German man and lived this life.

Marketing in the morning, large meal at midday, light “collation” in the evening, warm rolls delivered early to the doorstep, eaten for breakfast with unsalted butter and coffee (although I personally don’t like coffee. I know).

We were thinking about how, if the mother is the manager of her home, the family eats simply but well.

I don’t know why being the manager of the home (leaving aside being its heart, and just purely looking at things job-wise) is considered… nothing.

Have you been to a hotel recently? Maybe to stay, or for a reception? Can you imagine even thinking, 'This hotel is great. It’s comfortable, welcoming, clean, and refreshing. The food tastes homemade. It’s wonderful that this hotel has no manager.'

The amazing thing about being the manager of your own home is that it’s just such a pleasure. Listen, everything has its downside; nothing is perfect. But the freedom to decide when, where, and how to do things, taking into consideration only the opinions of those you love, why, that’s a pleasure.

Well, it can be!"


From "Okay, this is the salad post." by Leila Lawler 

It's about who I am, not what I do

When I get anxious and start to worry about our life, it's usually about Addie. Am I doing enough for her? Is she well-behaved enough? Am I too strict or too patient? Am I dedicating enough time to her or am I too busy cooking, cleaning and changing her brother's diapers (way too many poopy diapers a day!)?

I was sick these past weeks, and these doubts especially come to my mind as I feel less capable of going places and meeting people with her. Jennifer Fulwiler wrote a post a long time ago, which I can't find, in which she was suprised to find her kids actually missed her when she was gone for a while. She felt like she was contributing so little to their lives that a robot with a red wig on the couch occasionally yelling out "stop hitting your sister!" and throwing a snack at them would be the same.

Mostly, I am dealing with outside pressure about why Addie is three and not in preschool/daycare. So when these doubts come I think, would she be happier in preschool/daycare? But then I remember, it's not about what I do, it's about who I am. I'm her mother! There are millions of inspirational videos I've seen throughout the years where kids reveal the best day of their life was when their dad played catch with them. Or something simple when their parents just spent time with them. It's special that Addie gets to be with me, even if it's during laundry or grocery shopping. And it's so special that I get to be with her. That I really know what she wants, needs, likes. It's a fascinating time for our homelife, as she is getting to an age where I can include her in more things and she can start "helping" more. I love the days we don't have to go anywhere or do anything and can do things slowly and at her pace.

Time management

Springtime is really in the air if my orchids are blooming. They usually bloom twice a year but they skipped their last bloom. I thought they were going to die because they were all shrivelled up and yellow. I forgot to water them after Davy was born. Just kept on forgetting. Luckily, they have a few lives like cats and they've come back to grace us with their blooms.

My life got exponentially harder after Davy's birth. Exponentially better too. But harder. I've really like listening to some of January Donovan's videos about motherhood training. A friend from the States goes to her parish. (wow.). I have been feeling totally out of control with time management and really overwhelmed. With the videos I watched, I felt comforted that I'm doing some things right like writing everything down in my planner, caring for myself and having priorities. But I can do a lot of things better. Like say no more (boundaries). Not do things that aren't written down on my planner. For exemple, today I have to mop. I was just about to organize my closet when I stopped myself and realized I hadn't planned to do that. I like how January says you don't have a lack of time but a lack of time management skills.

Good resource. And good to get help in this challenging but incredibly rewarding adventure of motherhood.

I am a SAHM and I have SO MUCH TO DO

(all three of these pictures were taken by Addie... can you believe it?!)

I was feeling invigorated after an informal moms' club at my house, as part of a homeschooling group we participate in. We talked about how unappreciated it is to be a SAHM, yet how fundamentally important it is. And we thought about whether or not its importance should be shouted from the rooftops more often.

It is strange for me to think back to two years ago when I was in the thick of discerning whether or not I was called to be a SAHM. Motherhood was all so new to me. I had to work part-time and pray and think a lot about it before it was clear to me. I have come so far in those two years and I can't imagine doing anything else with my life, so it's strange to think I ever had doubts.

(Disclaimer: I'm not saying being a SAHM is better than a working mom, I just think it needs to e more supported. And the following applies to all moms, I just think more fully and particularly to a SAHM.)

Before taking the plunge and quitting my day job, I had made a list of all the things I wanted to do as a SAHM. Now I feel like I still have that list in my head, but I keep adding to it. I share this because I hope no one sees a SAHM mom as futile or airheaded or as doing unimportant tasks. At least that's not the way I live it. You are entirely devoted to building up your family, the primary cell of society.

Here are some of my goals as a SAHM:

Being a woman of prayer myself and provide a model and atmosphere conducive to prayer in our house. (The Little Oratory)

Caring for my kids' physical needs (nursing, health, cooking, naps, baths).

Caring for my kids' spiritual and social needs.

Being a facilitator of our family's friendships with other friends and families (dinners, visiting, etc.).. caring for our family's social life.

Making a home out of a house, a place of order and wonder (home-cooked meals, cleaning, tidying, coziness) (for order and wonder see likemotherlikedaughter.org)

Being the primary educator (along with my husband) of my children.

Taking care of some mundane business tasks (budgets, groceries, errands, etc) so we can have more time to rest and play as a family when my husband is off work.

Decide what to celebrate and how: celebrate the liturgical year and creat family traditions.

Being a good memory keeper (taking pictures, digital photo albums).

Spending more time... just plain time... with my family... so that we can build more family centered communities and not jus peer centered ones.

Food for thought for stay-at-home-moms (and all moms)

A friend posted this article on her Facebook the other day:

This Stage of Life? It's Hard.

And I looooooooooved it. Every word. It is so beautiful and exactly captured my every thought and feeling. Here is one of my favorite quotes, but please read the whole thing:

"In this stage of life, you are dealing with guilt. Guilt over having a career, and not spending enough time with your kids, or guilt over staying home with your kids, and not doing enough to contribute financially. Guilt over being too harsh with your kids. Too lenient. Guilt that your house is clean, but your kids were ignored, or guilt that you enjoyed your children all day, and now your husband is coming home to filth. Guilt."

Also, another friend on Facebook posted this article from Huffington Post. Also very good:

When Did Feminism Become So Anti-Motherhood?

Here is one of my favorite quotes:

"Marie Claire recently ran an article giving voice to women who have failed to get that. Mothers who regret their children having ever been born and genuinely think they might be living better, more meaningful, possibly more exciting lives without these extra humans dragging them down. They’re just sure their lives would be marked by career accolades and fancy travel destinations rather than midnight bed wettings and worn-thin yoga pants.

But we’re blaming the wrong group for the disappointment and the frustration. It’s not the kids who are at fault for 'ruining' their mother’s lives. You can instead thank a feminist movement that has failed women."

Continuation of a blessed Christmas week!

Food for thought for stay-at-home-moms

...Photography by Made With Love Photography. If you live in the Lisbon area, please contact Marta for all your photography needs.

"Child rearing is not an easy task. It is a full-time job—a real job minus the quotation marks. Seven days a week, from morning to night, anyone who stays at home to take care of their children is constantly at work. As a job, it’s even been priced out at equating to a salary of $118,000. Weekends? Holidays? Sick days? Those go out the window as long as one’s child still needs care. It’s a job. Any woman, or man for that matter, who chooses to raise their children one-on-one and full-time should be proud and should be given the same respect as anyone who earns a paid salary."

"Of course, parenting goes well beyond a choice to stay at home or work, and one or the other does not guarantee better parenting. But research by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development and the National Center for Biotechnology Information shows that children who received one-on-one quality, loving care are less stressed and less aggressive than those raised in all-day day cares with larger caregiver-to-child ratios. Having a parent at home full time also teaches children to form healthy attachments and relationships, something that they carry on throughout their lives, as shown by the Center of the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning. This isn’t to say that children without stay-at-home moms or dads are automatically doomed, but it’s one more reason why it’s not a ridiculous decision on the part of those who decide to stay home."

"True life satisfaction can be found in everyday moments—yes, even in going to bed at night, exhausted, knowing that you have put in a hard day of work raising your kids and have been paid in memories instead of paychecks."

 - From article, "It’s Time We Treated Stay-at-Home Parents with the Same Respect as Other Professionals"

Food for thought for stay-at-home moms

"Today women's liberation is a popular discussion topic, and one of the big pushes within the movement is to encourage women to seek fulfillment outside the home. In fact, many articles claim motherhood is a myth or that a woman 'should' or 'must' seek fulfillment outside the home if she is to be happy, if she is to maintain a happy marriage, and so on. [...]
If we look at nature, we find that breastfeeding clearly defines who is responsible for the child. This is not to suggest that husbands shouldn't share in diaper changing, washing dishes while mother is nursing the baby, rocking or walking te baby to sleep when he doesn't want to nurse, and so on. It appears, however, that nature intends the mother to have the primary responsibility of baby care during the early years. [...]
What truly liberates the woman is natural or ecological breastfeeding. What she needs to be liberated fom today is the cultural pressure to use bottles, pacifiers, and baby food and to leave baby at home. She needs to be liberated from the hospital that 'owns' the baby, from the doctor who says, 'You do as I say or else,' from the relatives who fear she will starve the baby, and from a society that promotes working mothers and child-care centers, thus pressuring women to work even when it is not a financial necessity. She needs to be liberated from any pressure that contradicts her natural mother role. What she truly needs is support from the hospital, doctor, relatives and society."

- from Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing by Sheila Kippley, p. 72-73

PS I met a stay-at-home dad this year and it is AMAZING what he does. So this is not to say a man can't be a stay-at-home dad. It's just more natural for it to be the woman, of course.

PSS Thanks, Joana, I am enjoying the book!

Toddlers at home

I have been having a hard time doing the "basic", physical things such as cooking, cleaning, feeding and bathing our kids and get frustrated about not getting to the more "spiritual" things, such as our kids' "education", ordering liturgical books, doing fun things as a family, visiting friends, etc. I put all these things in quotation marks, of course, because Jesus's Incarnation and Theology of the Body teach us the physical things are spiritual too.

But when I get frustrated with my lack of ability to get to things, the first thing I start feeling bad about is Addie at home. Modern society tells me she is bored and needs to be constantly entertained... either at a daycare or with TV, games, coloring sheets, etc.

So I have been constantly reminding myself of Auntie Leila's concept of "collective memory". We shouldn't copy things exclusively from the past, because modern things are good too... but it's not a black and white "modern things are better than old things". There should be a continuum with the past, a connection. And I really think this thing of "entertaining", "educating" and especially sending toddlers to school all day is an exclusively modern thing. It helps me to think, as Auntie Leila suggests, "what would Ma do?" And in Laura Ingalls Wilder's books toddlers stay at home with Ma, being watched by older siblings and playing by themselves.

I watch Addie's little friend interact with his grandma, who takes care of him during the day while his parents work and think: yes, maybe he would be more "entertained" at daycare with all the educational activities (and where everyone thinks he should be), but for sure the workers wouldn't love him like his grandma loves him. And really, what kind of "education" are we talking about? Being and feeling loved is the most I could want for my toddler or any toddler. I think this while I watch his grandma kiss him as she takes him out of the swing.

And I try to cut myself some slack. Addie seems bored sometimes, I get frustrated... a lot... but we're in this together. And that's what family is.
...By the way, we watched the movie Little Miss Sunshine yesterday, which is about family, and loved it. Have you seen it?

Food for thought for stay-at-home moms (and all moms)

"That special power of loving that belongs to a woman is seen most clearly when she becomes a mother. Motherhood is the gift of God to women. How grateful we must be to God for this wonderful gift that brings such joy to the whole world, women and men alike! Yet we can destroy this gift of motherhood, especially by the evil of abortion, but also by thinking that other things like jobs or positions are more important than loving, than giving oneself to others. No job, no plans, no possessions, no idea of "freedom" can take the place of love. So anything that destroys God's gift of motherhood destroys His most precious gift to women-- the ability to love as a woman."

-Mother Teresa’s Letter to the Fourth World Conference on Women, Beijing, 1995

Happy SAINT Teresa of Calcutta feast day!

Food for thought for stay-at-home-moms

I am sort of obsessed with Penelope Trunk's blog. Although we differ greatly in religious/family/sexuality views, everything else seems to express exactly what I was thinking.

I especially love how she defends staying at home with kids from a non-religious, common-sense and statistical point of view. Here are some of my favorite quotes.

From the article "Your family would be better off with a housewife (so would mine)":

"The conclusion, that marriages and families work better with a full-time housewife, is hard to swallow but hard to deny. It’s just that not every woman wants to take care of a family and marriage full time, and even fewer men do. And increasingly few people want to give up almost all child-rearing responsibilities in order to be a single breadwinner. So this is a piece of advice that’s useful to only the small percentage of households in the world. But still, the advice is good.

Many people will say they’d rather face the challenges of a dual-career marriage than the challenge of a stay-at-home-spousedom. Fine. Just know the statistics are not in your favor."

From the article "Get pregnant at 25 if you want a high-powered career":

"...She says, in the article, that she is taking much better care of them when she is not away from them.This shouldn’t be groundbreaking to say. But after twenty years of deafening feminist diatribe it is actually controversial to say that a mom is a better mom if she is home with her kids."

"It’s ridiculous that it’s controversial to say that most women want to parent differently than most men. It’s ridiculous because there is scientific basis for this and a social basis for this and the women who argue against it are always women who do not have school-aged kids and a high powered job."

"Men who have kids are in a great position to climb the ladder. They have wives at home. Women cannot go full speed ahead until the kids are grown up. Slaughter has great evidence for this. But you should be able just to look around and see that this truth. My favorite example: All the male Supreme Court Justices have families. Two of the three women do not. And the one who does, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, did not start her career until her kids were grown."

From the article "Get married first, then focus on career":

"At any point when a woman has kids, statistically she will start to earn less money even if she takes no maternity leave whatsoever. There is no evidence to show that it’s easier to take time out of the workforce at a certain point in a career. People just plain don’t know."

"The good news here is that a large body of research shows that you will gain more happiness by being married than by having a good job. Yes, you should not have to choose between a good job and marriage. But this column is not about what is fair or what is just. It is about what is real."

From the article "How to plan a career in our 20s to stay at home with your kids in your 30s":

"Forbes just published a survey that shows that 84% of working women want to stay home with kids . The new job that everyone wants is stay-at-home mom. This makes sense to me. It’s clear that women don’t want to bust through the glass ceiling, or they’d have done it by now. And it’s clear that men are not pulled by kids in nearly the same way women are, because women’s careers tank when they have kids and mens’ careers don’t."

"Women are performing at a higher level at work than men are right now. So, statistically speaking, when you decide to stay home with kids, the people you were better than will start moving ahead of you. It will kill you. Prepare for this. It works best to think of your career as a time in your life. You were a high performer when you did it, but now it’s over. It’s like being the head cheerleader. You were great when you did it, but high school is over and you’re onto the next challenge."

A Little Mother

(Flowers for Mary in our prayer corner for the month of May...)

Happy Mother's Day tomorrow in the US of A. We celebrated it here in Portugal last Sunday, for whatever reason they picked the first Sunday of May here.

I really liked this article called "A Little Mother Prevents Big Brother" here. And here are some of my favorite quotes:

"Motherhood is the first and last line of defense against totalitarianism. If you think this statement sounds over the top, you ought to ponder why the family has always been the ultimate target of tyrannical systems of government such as communism. Advocates of cultural Marxism tend to view families as akin to subversive cells that get in the way of centralized state power."

"A mother begins this task as only a mother can: through the mysterious pull of love, by forging bonds of personal loyalty, and under cover of the hidden sphere of private life. Tyrants have openly targeted these positive forces at least since Karl Marx essentially declared them totally incompatible with socialism. Lately we see devoted mothers—particularly traditional, stay-at-home mothers—increasingly mocked and challenged as cultural throwbacks. Even President Obama has criticized them in policy speeches, including his 2015 State of the Union."

"Motherhood obviously goes way beyond the act of giving birth or providing legal guardianship. It works in mysterious ways, sowing the goodwill and self-reliance. It’s the stuff that real villages are made of."

"Real motherhood is an instinctive and spiritual call to arms against any force that would undermine the well-being of one’s children. That means combatting the forces of harm—physical, emotional, and especially spiritual—while a child is most vulnerable to them. It means having an instinctive distrust of those forces, with the instinctive ability to detect them, to preempt them, and to destroy them whenever she is confronted with them. As her children grow, the astute mother instills strength and battle-hardens her children so that they, in turn, can confront and destroy those forces in the future.

So civil society always starts with encouraging and respecting strong mother-child bonds. They are the source for cultivating a climate of trust. One-on-one and face-to-face conversations based in mutual trust will always have the greatest impact on our perspectives and our lives."

Food for thought for stay-at-home moms (and all moms)

"Part of this daily heroism is also the silent but effective and eloquent witness of all those 'brave mothers who devote themselves to their own family without reserve, who suffer in giving birth to their children and who are ready to make any effort, to face any sacrifice, in order to pass on to them the best of themselves'. In living out their mission 'these heroic women do not always find support in the world around them. On the contrary, the cultural models frequently promoted and broadcast by the media do not encourage motherhood. In the name of progress and modernity the values of fidelity, chastity, sacrifice, to which a host of Christian wives and mothers have borne and continue to bear outstanding witness, are presented as obsolete ... We thank you, heroic mothers, for your invincible love! We thank you for your intrepid trust in God and in his love. We thank you for the sacrifice of your life ... In the Paschal Mystery, Christ restores to you the gift you gave him. Indeed, he has the power to give you back the life you gave him as an offering'.

-Evangelium Vitae, n. 86, St. John Paul II

Peanut butter chocolate cake

Happy (St.) Valentine's Day!

I made this spectacular cake from Pioneer Woman here in a heart shape. It's peanut butter cake with chocolate icing and it's every bit as good as it sounds. Next time I won't make it in a heart pan though, but in a longer sheet pan as she suggests to get a better ratio of chocolate to peanut butter. Every dessert recipe I make of hers... if I can pull it off (some are hard!)... turn out to be the best ___(chocolate cake/pie/etc)___ people have tasted.

I am so thankful to have time and mainly peace of mind to make a heart-shaped cake this year. A year ago I remember I was not only teaching part-time, but I had a private tutoring student at home who asked me "what are all these hearts for?". I was trying to do it all and really stressed out. I still try to do it all, but not so stressed out. And super thankful for our family and home.

Food for Thought for Stay-at-Home Moms

Women and Society

Without intending to deal with all the various aspects of the vast and complex theme of the relationships between women and society, and limiting these remarks to a few essential points, one cannot but observe that in the specific area of family life a widespread social and cultural tradition has considered women's role to be exclusively that of wife and mother, without adequate access to public functions which have generally been reserved for men.

There is no doubt that the equal dignity and responsibility of men and women fully justifies women's access to public functions. On the other hand the true advancement of women requires that clear recognition be given to the value of their maternal and family role, by comparison with all other public roles and all other professions. Furthermore, these roles and professions should be harmoniously combined, if we wish the evolution of society and culture to be truly and fully human.

This will come about more easily if, in accordance with the wishes expressed by the Synod, a renewed "theology of work" can shed light upon and study in depth the meaning of work in the Christian life and determine the fundamental bond between work and the family, and therefore the original and irreplaceable meaning of work in the home and in rearing children. Therefore the Church can and should help modern society by tirelessly insisting that the work of women in the home be recognized and respected by all in its irreplaceable value. This is of particular importance in education: for possible discrimination between the different types of work and professions is eliminated at its very root once it is clear that all people, in every area, are working with equal rights and equal responsibilities. The image of God in man and in woman will thus be seen with added luster.

While it must be recognized that women have the same right as men to perform various public functions, society must be structured in such a way that wives and mothers are not in practice compelled to work outside the home, and that their families can live and prosper in a dignified way even when they themselves devote their full time to their own family.

Furthermore, the mentality which honors women more for their work outside the home than for their work within the family must be overcome. This requires that men should truly esteem and love women with total respect for their personal dignity, and that society should create and develop conditions favoring work in the home.

With due respect to the different vocations of men and women, the Church must in her own life promote as far as possible their equality of rights and dignity: and this for the good of all, the family, the Church and society.

But clearly all of this does not mean for women a renunciation of their femininity or an imitation of the male role, but the fullness of true feminine humanity which should be expressed in their activity, whether in the family or outside of it, without disregarding the differences of customs and cultures in this sphere.

John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio: On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, n. 23