Thursday, November 11, 2010

Winter: preparing for spring

My goal to post every weekday failed twice this week. Even though I am unemployed, I got busy. I really don't want to fall back into my usual bad habits of work and activites-aholic-ness. I was doing such a good job of putting my sleep, meals, exercise and prayer first and saying no to extra things but this week I feel like I got sucked back into a vacuum of wanting to please people and not knowing what to do.

Even though I could be taking advantage of my "free time", this is proving to be a very difficult time period. This summer I felt like I was on top of the world, like I was closer to God than I had ever been, totally free. I knew that when Jesus says, "hey! follow me!" it doesn't necessarily mean easy... usually on the contrary, but everything was so perfect in my life I thought I would be ready for anything.

Now the waiting is killing me. The trying to trust, being slowly stripped of my desires and ambitions (which I know will make me more free in the end but is so hard now!). I know rationally that God's plans for us are always plans of hope and love, even if we constantly mess up (as is my case), but I emotionally wonder if I am being punished. WHY aren't things going the way I thought they would? What am I doing WRONG?

Instead of being punished, this week I thought, "maybe I'm being prepared for something greater". I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or where I should go but that's okay. The most important thing is to keep trusting, keep trying and stay close to Jesus like I read in this post here. Like Joseph: when his brothers sold him into slavery and he was in prison, he probably felt like it was all so unfair and God was punishing him. But God doesn't punish anyone, he takes our place so we won't have to suffer the natural consequences of our actions. God used what people had done in their meanness for a greater plan for Joseph and for greater glory.

As we enter winter, I really feel like my soul is reflecting the seasons (just like in the book Walden by Thoreau). I've always wanted to, like Thoreau, move out into the woods and live on just the essential.
This summer, everything inside me was in full bloom, warm and sunny.
Now everything is dying, leaves are falling and I am turning inwards.
Maybe new seeds are being planted and slowly growing.
Maybe I'm entering into hybernation like bears, resting and slowly gaining strength.
Dying to myself to become a new creation in spring.
Cleaning out my illusions and ambitions to "live deliberately", more purely.
The dying part still hurts though.

Taken from here

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