The inner battle

Some pictures from the library our sweet friend who visited us took the other day. 

I told someone who helps me out with these things that only now do I know what "inner battle" means. As I've said before, I used to think I was really holy. I used the think the battle was outside of myself. I am already holy, so now I will help convert family and friends, work on pro-life causes and apostolate, raise holy kids that will all become priests and nuns.

Well, God has certainly knocked me off my pedestal time and time again. In fact, it seems like I am constantly living in a state of chaos and noise. But it's inner chaos and noise, my friends. It's really not my kids' faults. I see how I make a prayer plan and don't go through with it because I have other priorities other than God or just plain don't feel like it. I see how the biggest challenge is to be joyful and press on precisely when you feel sad, angry, tired, stressed, hungry, etc., but instead I always, always give in to how I'm feeling. I see how love is giving back good when someone gives you bad, but I respond eye with an eye. 

Well, the good news is now I know where the battleground is. I can't control what's outside of me. I can't control the conversion of others, the apostolate's fruit, or even my kids.

The bad news is this battle is lifelong.