The inner battle

Some pictures from the library our sweet friend who visited us took the other day. 

I told someone who helps me out with these things that only now do I know what "inner battle" means. As I've said before, I used to think I was really holy. I used the think the battle was outside of myself. I am already holy, so now I will help convert family and friends, work on pro-life causes and apostolate, raise holy kids that will all become priests and nuns.

Well, God has certainly knocked me off my pedestal time and time again. In fact, it seems like I am constantly living in a state of chaos and noise. But it's inner chaos and noise, my friends. It's really not my kids' faults. I see how I make a prayer plan and don't go through with it because I have other priorities other than God or just plain don't feel like it. I see how the biggest challenge is to be joyful and press on precisely when you feel sad, angry, tired, stressed, hungry, etc., but instead I always, always give in to how I'm feeling. I see how love is giving back good when someone gives you bad, but I respond eye with an eye. 

Well, the good news is now I know where the battleground is. I can't control what's outside of me. I can't control the conversion of others, the apostolate's fruit, or even my kids.

The bad news is this battle is lifelong. 

Article

I have an article up today:

It's Okay to Not Meet Your Child's Needs

Algarve

We were able to get to the Algarve a couple weeks ago... to our very favorite hotel (Inatel), where we eat breakfast, lunch and dinner at their yummy buffet. We saw a house next to the hotel and asked one another, would you want to live here? Right across from the beach. But we'd have to eat at the hotel... and use their pool... better ask them if they have a room to sell instead! 

That first picture is before leaving. We were planning on leaving at eight in the morning and actually left at one. Life. We had three days of great weather (see kiddie pool!) and some friends who went to be with us too, which was super fun. Then we had two days of rain, but we still got to walk on the beach. I didn't take many pictures between the juggling act of three kiddos, but it actually went well. I think they behave better on trips than at home. They sleep better too (see other pic!). 

In the middle

I haven't found the time for blogging, but I've missed it. I miss that little ounce of creativity, no matter how tiny it is. That brief vision of the whole picture, above the exhausting and life-sucking hamster wheel. 

I know what I see on blogs isn't the full picture. I know I have no idea how a person is and if I will like them until I meet them in person. I certainly don't put my deep, dark secrets or bad parts of life on my blog. But I think that's okay. A blog isn't the place for my deep, dark secrets anyway... a confessor and spiritual director is. A spouse is. Some friends are. 

I've been trying to get errands taken care of, do projects and get preparation out of the way to start living real life and have a rhythm. I'm realizing this is a mistake. I will always be behind on errands, emails, organization, grocery shopping, etc. This is super frustrating for me. I really loved a quote I saw on Jennifer Fulwiler's instagram here: 

"’We all live in the messy middle.’

Meaning this: We tend to think that OUR lives are busy and crazy and full of yearnings that haven’t yet been fulfilled, but that other women – especially those ‘successful’ women – have their lives nailed down. They’ve achieved their goals and now experience perfect fulfillment. They’re right where they need to be, not wandering in the middle like us.

Tsh reminded us today that is not true. She’s interviewed tons of women who have amazing lives, and they al report that they also feel overwhelmed or confused or not sure about the next step sometimes.

Like the rest of us, they live in the messy middle too."